You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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