Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
