Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Are we in a gay sports bar?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
