It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
