i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
