I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
