If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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