I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
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I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
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I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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