I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
