So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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