I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
