I must be too annoying 4 u.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
