Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
