I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
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So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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