If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
