I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
