i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just invented taco cereal.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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