My nipple is on Facebook.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
