4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
