just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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