Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
