I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
