A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
