Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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