she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
