Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
