Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
