I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
