I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
