I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Vodka?
Forever.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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