We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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