I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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