My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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