Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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