Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
