i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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