it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
