...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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