Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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