so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize