so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
