the new term for farting is butt boxing.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket