She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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