Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
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I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
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Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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