Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
