Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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