Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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