so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
