i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
