Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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