so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
