I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
