happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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