I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Enjoy the penises
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
