i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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