oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
