My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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