Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Couch. On fire.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
