When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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