Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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