i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I AM VODKA MAN
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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